Confessions

I'm not always positive. I have some pretty negative thoughts more often than I want to admit. I'm not worried about beating breast cancer...I KNOW I will. My fear is that I will beat it this time, but it will recur later even more aggressive than now. It's not irrational. I'm sure everyone with cancer has these thoughts. How could you not?

I also have to admit that I used to think people had health issues because of something they were doing wrong.
You're obese? Stop eating so damn much.
Your liver is shot? Put the bottle down.
You have cancer? You obviously smoke like a chimney.

I'm learning every day how skewed my thinking was. I didn't smoke. I rarely drank. I exercised a lot. I ate well. I stayed out of the sun. I was active. I got annual check ups. I did self-exams. I stayed busy. I lived a good life. I got cancer. I actually got cancer twice. Two months before I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I was also diagnosed with basal cell carcinoma on my arms. It's a type of skin cancer. I had them removed in an outpatient procedure. I thought THAT was scary.

I have "WHY ME?!?" moments. They're usually in the shower, when I don't have to hide my tears from watchful little eyes. I let myself have 5 minutes of being sad/mad/angry/confused before I get out. My hair falls out in the shower, so I try not to hang out in there too long or too often. It's kind of a blessing that I have to get out as fast as I do. After that, I GET OVER IT and work on getting better. It is what it is.

I feel like I have a handle on what's going on. I feel like God handed me an army of wonderful people to make my fight easier. My mom is still living with us. We are hoping she just stays forever. :) Eric has been wonderfully helpful. The kids are doing well. Friends and family have sent the most thoughtful cards, texts and gifts. My meal train has provided meals every Monday, Wednesday and Friday for the past month. Our neighbors have been carpooling with us. All of these blessings have taken pretty much the entire load off me.
They have allowed me to not stress about every day details and focus more on listening to my body.

If I need to eat, I do. If I need to sleep, I do.
I have friends to vent to and family to hold me when I'm having a rough day.
Besides this whole cancer thing.... Man, I love my life.


This is cute, but I disagree with it. Don't keep calm and fight on. Wake up every day and bitch slap that cancer until it's gone. :)