Discouraged.

I think this is one of the first times in this journey that I have felt a little defeated...and annoyed.

I try to follow doctor's orders and do everything right. Sometimes that's just obviously not enough.

I had my pre-op physical yesterday and after the blood draw and found out I failed. My white blood count is just over 2000. This week last month, I was over 8000.
If I get to 1000, they will hospitalize me.

I also heard that my echocardiogram from last week wasn't great. My ejection fraction wasn't what it was supposed to me. It can indicate a whole bunch of things like heart disease....or it may be nothing.
I will have to have an MRI on it to get a better idea.

Because my WBC is so low, it's very possible that it won't be high enough by Wednesday to get my scheduled (last) chemo.

I feel like everything has went so smoothly and now it's all up in the air. I'm too type A for this shit.

I know that it will all work out. I just hope chemo and surgery are able to stay on their scheduled dates.

Sorry about the vent. I'm really trying to keep a positive spin on things, but the unknown is so hard sometimes.

Guess which option I'm choosing? :)

Masks are hot.

Karsyn has been really sick since Monday. After two pediatrician trips this week, two different antibiotics, sleepless nights, a ton of fever reducers and an entire week off from school....she seems to be turning the corner.

In the mean time, the boys and I have tried to "mask up" as much as possible.

So far, no one but Miss Karsyn has been sick. Knock on wood.

Eric took this picture of us. I was amazed my how much fuzz is on my head. Pixie, here I come!

Chemo #5

Losing is NOT an option!!
(Thanks, Christi!)

I only have ONE big chemo left in December and then I'm on to the smaller ones! Yay!
It will be so nice to only spend around an hour at the clinic getting an IV of Herceptin every 3 weeks, instead of the 5-6 hours I currently do getting the Herceptin, Taxotere and Carboplatin.

I will also be getting the Herceptin and radiation at the Minnesota Oncology that's closer to my house. I will save about an hour in drive time each time.

There were still no signs of that pesky tumor or lymph node involvement. Take that, cancer!!
My levels where all in the normal range, so I was able to stay on schedule and get my 5th poisoning. :)

I'm anxiously awaiting my next PET scan to see what exactly is going on in this crazy body of mine and to see if the chemo is doing it's job.

My mom came with to keep me company. She was pleasantly surprised at how well most everyone looked and how the nurses and doctors seemed to really love their jobs.

Her father passed away many years ago from lung cancer. She has commented many times that I "don't smell like chemo." I think cancer treatments have come a long ways, thankfully.
I know she was really worried about what I would look and feel like during treatment, as was I.
Cancer treatment is NOT fun, but it's tolerable if you accept help.

I don't even know what chemo smells like and I have tons of it in me. I finally have my meds figured out and can usually stay on top of them to avoid excessive nausea and bone pain.
If I only knew then, what I know now!

On a sad note for me, I have officially gained 10 freaking pounds. The health freak in me tells me to get my ass to the gym and lay off the casseroles. My crazy (but smart) doctor tells me to bundle up and get outside and walk. She obviously lives in a warmer climate than me. It's cold as heck here! She absolutely doesn't want me at the gym or touching people now that we're in flu season.

Don't be surprised if my mom has the 'Do Not Enter' sign on the door a lot this winter. She really has our best interests at heart but if I had it my way, I would have a coffee date every single day.
We have had sick kids pretty much since school started. I'm really lucky that I have only needed two antibiotic rounds so far. I'm hopeful we can all stay healthy until at least after Thanksgiving.

I have some pics to share from today, but first, I'm BEGGING for a favor.
Two friends have emailed me in the last two weeks to ask for prayers for their nephews. One is three months old, the other only two months old. Both have been diagnosed with cancer.
I know that your prayers have really helped me. If you have an extra minute, could you please add Wesson, Zade and their loved ones to your prayers?

They will both be starting chemotherapy soon in South Dakota. I can only imagine what their families are feeling right now. Our prayers are essential right now for these little boys that are fighting for their lives.

With that, I want to thank you for the millions of prayers, cards, emails, texts, gifts and love that you have sent our way. I'm beyond blessed to have you all.

I know the posts aren't coming as quickly as they were, only because I don't have as much to report on. That's a good thing. Hang tight, though.... soon to come will be some fun surgery stories...and possibly pictures!! :)

my chipmunk cheeks

Mom and I

Dr. Hartung and I...she's freaking amazing!

Mom trying out the chemotherapy chairs. She wanted to smuggle one out of there. She was pretty excited by the heat and vibrating buttons.

I have my iPhone, iPad and planner...all set!

It's such a great feeling to rip off my scarves and wigs! I feel so FREEEEEE!

Karsyn is 8 inches lighter.

My daughter got a little over eight inches of hair cut off today! We are so proud of her.

She has been talking about getting a drastic cut for a few months, so we began looking into hair donation programs. The thought of her being able to donate her hair to someone without any was super exciting to her....and us!

The program we chose is called Pantene Beautiful Lengths.

I took her to my hair stylist, Nikki. She is utterly fantastic and I knew she would do a great job with Karsyn's hair. She didn't disappoint.
Karsyn looks AMAZING!

Nikki also sent me home with a bag of ponytails that she had cut off previous clients and hadn't had a chance to send off yet.

I will be mailing them all off to Beautiful Lengths on Monday!


BEFORE

CHOP

AFTER

KARSYN and NIKKI

ALL THE HAIR!

***Beautiful Lengths is a partnership between Pantene and the American Cancer Society, the largest nonprofit health organization committed to saving lives from every cancer, in every community, and improving the quality of life for people facing the disease. The role of Pantene is to help women grow long, strong, beautiful hair and provide the funds to turn this hair into free, real-hair wigs for women with cancer. So far, Pantene has donated 18, 000 free real-hair wigs to the American Cancer Society’s wig banks which distribute wigs to cancer patients across the country. We’re currently the country’s largest donor of real-hair wigs through the American Cancer Society. Because real-hair wigs are expensive, and many women with cancer can’t afford them, demand for these wigs is high. We can only create as many wigs as donations, so your part is critical to improving the lives of as many women as possible.


To be made into a wig, your hair must be:

At least 8 inches long (no maximum length)
- If you have wavy or curly hair, measure when straight
Free of permanent color, bleach or other chemical treatments such as Japanese straightening
- Vegetable dyes, semi-permanent dyes and rinses are acceptable, but “virgin” hair is preferred
No more than 5% gray

Half done with chemo!

Today I completed chemo 3 of 6.
I will still have the Herceptin IVS every 3 weeks from December to August, but the side effects should be minimal...so I'm not counting those.

I had a fabulous time chatting with Jamie, eating Starburst (Thanks, Amanda!) and watching Breakfast at Tiffany's, courtesy of Sam.

The staff seemed to appreciate my fun new pink wig. I love it also.
I seem to care a little less every day of what people think of me, but I still like to make people smile.

I also sing really loudly in the car now. I never did that before.
The old Angela would have held my phone up to my ear while I sang so the people in the car next to me wouldn't realize I was jamming out. I thought I was so sneaky. What's the point?
Sing, if you want to sing.
Are you ever going to see the people driving next to you again?
Who cares?

For some reason, I feel more at peace with myself now, even though I'm battling breast cancer.
I feel pretty secure with my baldness. I am fine going out without wigs and with barely any makeup.

I'm ecstatic that I'm tolerating the chemo so well and that my side effects can be controlled mostly with meds and a positive attitude.

Although I wouldn't say I'm lucky to have gotten cancer at such a young age, I still think cancer picked the wrong bitch. I'm not going down without a fight.
I'm ready to brawl and I WILL win.

I will then have the rest of my LONG life to live the way I SHOULD have been living, but wasn't.
I will slow down, appreciate more and love freely. I will spend less time complaining and more time praying.
I will continue to sing in the car. I may even roll down the windows so everyone can hear. :)

My friend Jamie took some shots from today. I love her...and her camera. She's very talented.

My 'new to me' wig! Jamie's mom is a breast cancer survivor. She bought a wig that lucky for both of us, she didn't have to use. I LOVE IT!

Random

When I was first diagnosed, I kept thinking about all of the things I wanted to do before I died.
I was clearly not in the best place at that time.

A lot of them were vacations I wanted to take, people I needed to forgive and people I wanted to forgive me. Mostly, I was bummed that I had taken so few pictures WITH my family.

I couldn't get past the fact that if I were to die tomorrow, my kids would have so few pictures of me with them.

I take at least 50 pictures of my kids per week, but obviously I'm not in them.

I'm adamant now about Eric including me in pictures.
Memories, unfortunately fade after awhile. I don't want to be forgotten.

I want my fabulous family to know how much they're loved and to see in photos how happy they make me.

I love that this is one thing on my bucket list that I can easily accomplish.

Have a great weekend!

Great Appointment Today!

I met with the surgeon who will be performing my bilateral mastectomy today.
As she examined my breasts and lymph nodes, her remarks were, "This is remarkable. Truly remarkable. Your tissue feels like a normal exam. I am not feeling any inflamed areas or lumps. I think that you may be one of the 10-15% of people who enter surgery with no signs of cancer. This is the best case scenario."

She also thought it was pretty great that I responded this well to chemo after only two chemo treatments to date. I told her, while I appreciate the medicine, I'm pretty sure God had something to do with it. :)

My mastectomy has been scheduled for January 3rd. It will take about one hour to remove them. It's a little sad considering it took so long to grow them.

The plastic surgeon will put tissue expanders in right after. That should take another hour. He will have to cut through muscle to place them in my chest wall. They say it's pretty painful and that the 'mounds' will be hard, too high and too big. I will have to wear drains for about a week following and will have limited movement. I will also spend two nights in the hospital.
I'm mentally prepared for the pain. I have my eye on the prize.....NEW CANCER-FREE BOOBS!
Reconstruction surgery will *probably* be scheduled in May.

The kids and I painted our 'practice pumpkins'. In honor of breast cancer awareness month, a ribbon seemed like the best choice for mine. I am soooo not an artist.

I have my third chemo tomorrow afternoon. One of my besties, Jamie, will be driving from Wisconsin to sit with me at the clinic. I'm so excited to chat with her for 4 whole hours! What a great friend to leave her triplets for the day, drive to Minnesota and spend her day surrounded by cancer patients. It sounds like a depressing day, but really, the people at the clinic are all in pretty good spirits and the staff is fabulous.

The last time we got together for that long, we were on an airplane headed to Georgia.
While we sat on the tarmac at 8 am and waited for the wings to be de-iced, a gentleman (I use that term loosely) turned around, looked at us and said, "Do your husbands drink heavily?"
He obviously didn't like our excited banter. Unfortunately for him, it just made us giggle louder and talk more.
I hope he learned his lesson. If you don't have something nice to say, shut the hell up! :)

Thanks again for everything. You guys have not stopped praying for my family. I love you to death. Seriously.

Hair is overrated.

The time had come to shave my head. In true Bass family fashion, we made a party out of it.
We cranked the music, danced, ate popcorn and Eric shaved my head. Personally, I think he enjoyed it a little too much.

Karsyn told me that I looked even "more beautiful-er than before." Houston loves that I look just like him now.
I like that I'm not leaving a trail of hair everywhere I go.

I feel ok about it. My head isn't as lumpy as I had worried it would be. The kids' reaction was better than I could have ever hoped.
I know that in order to get better, I have to have chemo. If I have chemo, I have to lose my hair.
It's just part of the journey and I couldn't ask for a better support team to have on this ride with me!











Never stop dancing. :)