Conflicted

I have taken a little break from this blog. I have been enjoying being healthy, spending time with my family and even finding time to do a little traveling.

On one hand, I want to put cancer behind me. That includes this blog and all that it contains.
I am 3 months away from my last chemo and my final reconstructive surgery. What will I write about after all of that? I barely have enough to write about now.

On the other hand, I am still getting tons of page views from all over from people who need information on breast cancer. I feel like I would be doing a disservice to them if I just stopped. Even though I have so little to share now that I'm N.E.D., I still have more knowledge about cancer than most people. I still want to help.
I'm just torn.

Another thing I feel completely conflicted about is the fact that I left out a very important part of my story and I feel guilty for not sharing that part of me.
At the time, I was so confused. I was in disbelief. I was in shock. I was in awe.
I needed time to process who I had met and what I had witnessed.

Here is my testimony.

Soon after my diagnosis, I was invited by a friend to meet with a "Man of God" named Larry Herlong. He travels the world preaching about God's goodness and is even able to manifest Jesus Christ through his own face.
I had heard what Larry was capable of but was a little skeptical, to say the least.

Within minutes of speaking with Larry, I was in full blown tears. I was at the lowest point in my life and searching for any sign that God really existed. I was tired. I needed a miracle. Larry made me feel safe as he stared into my eyes and told me what God had planned for me.

Larry prayed with me for which felt like only a few minutes, but was really over an hour. As he prayed, I sat frozen staring at him. His face began to distort and Jesus Christ himself stared back at me as clearly as Larry had been just seconds earlier. The area around Larry lit up like the brightest sunlight you could ever imagine. My eyes burned, I couldn't look away. I couldn't shut my tears off as I stared at Jesus. In the midst of Larry's prayers, I could hear him cast out the evil spirits in me that were causing my cancer. He made me repeat after him that I didn't have cancer.

Admittedly, I felt kind of silly yelling, "I don't have cancer!" when I had just been diagnosed weeks earlier.  When I voiced my concerns about getting cancer back in the future, Larry reassured me that God didn't send him to me to perform this miracle just so he could give me cancer again. Larry said I would beat cancer and it would be gone forever.  I hung on to those parting words from Larry and prayed for the best.

As you all know, when I went in for my September chemo, one month after I was diagnosed and 19 days after I met with Larry, my doctors could no longer feel the tumor in my breast that had been unmistakable weeks prior. They also couldn't find or feel the 1-inch area in my lymph node that was cancerous. My stage 2B tumors had somehow disappeared in less than one month.

The doctors were ecstatic. They were amazed that the chemo was working so fast and that I was having such a great response. There was a lot of head shaking going on in the doctor's office. I smiled knowing that we were all witnessing a miracle. I believed in God much more than the medicine.

In January 2012, when my surgeon told me that there were no signs of cancer anywhere in my body, I was so happy, but not entirely surprised.
I had been witnessing so many changes in myself, my life and in the people around me in the past few months that I knew that Larry was the real deal. I knew that I didn't have cancer because he spoke the words.

I vowed to live and love differently since that crazy day in August when I first met Larry. I'm still conflicted as I sit here contemplating whether I should REALLY post this, but I feel such a weight lifted off me for just writing this.

Part of me doesn't want to offend those of you who don't have the same beliefs as me. Part of me doesn't want my cancer-related blog to turn into anything but.

Thankfully, the biggest part of me...the pure part, wants to tell the whole world about the obstacle that God helped me overcome. I beat cancer and I didn't do it alone.
I want to tell people that miracles happen every day. I'm one of them.
God has bigger plans for me and I don't plan to disappoint him.

If anyone ever wants to talk Jesus, email me. :)

Race Day!

What a wonderful weekend we had!

Our team, Pretty in Pink, consisted of 14 runners and walkers. Together, we raised $3,310.00 for the Susan G. Komen foundation. That amount puts two of our team members on the Pink Fundraising Honor Roll! Woot for yours truly and Sharon! 

A special thanks to Sara Druck for organizing the fundraiser, all of my friends for donating prizes and our wonderful family and friends for purchasing so many raffle tickets.

We also received an amazing donation from Rustic Charm in the amount of $300.00, which were the proceeds from the HOPE necklace Mandi sells.

The day of the walk was amazing. The weather was perfect and spirits were high. It was so great to see all of the survivors and their friends and families. 

This will surely become a yearly event for us. I was shockingly interviewed by Kare 11 news during the walk and a small blurb of me showed up at the 2 minute mark. 

CHECK ME OUT

I also showed up at the end of the news shaking my pom poms with my friend, Jamie. I can't find that clip though. Rest assured, we looked awesome! :)

Following the race, we went to the Survivor Circle in the Mall of America. It was great to sit among all the pink shirts. We were given flowers and had a group picture taken. They had people stand if they had been diagnosed 40 years ago..., 30 years ago....., all the way down to the 1 year or less. 

I shed some tears as I stood while everyone clapped for us newbies. 

To feel so supported and loved by complete strangers was an amazing feeling. It also gave me such hope that I will be one of the people standing up at the 40 year mark some day. 

I'm not going to let this disease beat me.....although according to my friend Stacy's sign, it already has!

In memory of?? Come on now!

This is the part of our team that had no interest in running the 5k. A Minnesota Vikings cheerleader took this picture for us. 

L to R: Eric, Jean, Jamie, Jill, Me, Stacy, Jen, Deb, Josh, Palmer, Megan

The support for this event was amazing. Minnesota has one of the largest Komen walks in the U.S. 

It was truly an amazing thing to be a part of.

Me and my love. 

He had SUCH a hard time with this day. It took an emotional toll on him that I did NOT expect. It was hard to see.

We finished the race, but our job is not done. We will continue to walk, fundraise and preach to the masses about early detection of breast cancer until there is a cure for breast cancer.

I WILL live to see a cure for breast cancer. 

Thanks for your support!

If I'm well enough to volunteer, I will.

I like to volunteer and I have a fun t-shirt collection to prove it. Last night was my first time manning the Susan G. Komen shirt pick up station at the Mall of America. I had a blast and met some great ladies. I can't wait to do it again next year.

The energy levels of the teams picking up their gear was amazing. It was so fun to see how pumped everyone is to be participating.

The Minnesota Susan G. Komen festivities start this weekend. Our big walk is on Sunday.
I'm so excited to be a part of it!!

Thanks again for your support! Coming soon will be donation totals and race pictures. Stay tuned!!

Do you know your normal?

Test Results

My skin biopsy came back as benign. Yay!

My bone density also came back as GOOD.
No osteoporosis for this girl! :)

I love good test result days!

My Odd Tissue Expanders

I sometimes check my blog traffic to see what exactly people google to end up on my blog.
I see a ton of "tissue expanders"and "what will I look like after my mastectomy?" traffic.
I'm not surprised. That's exactly what I googled when I was first diagnosed. I found very little.

To make this blog work to it's fullest potential, I will show you what I look like. I hope it helps you to see that they're odd little buggers....but temporary.
It doesn't mean this is what you will look like, but it's a good starting point.

I have a serious love/hate relationships with my expanders.
I like them because they make me appear to have boobs....really large boobs, actually.
For someone like me, who had virtually NO boobs prior, I kind of enjoy them.

In the middle of the night when I can't get comfortable because they're poking me- and I feel like my ribs are breaking, I'm not such a fan.
It all evens out. Temporary, temporary!

Here's the good part to my story.....Dr. Migliori said that since my skin responded insanely well after radiation, I don't have to wait the full six months to have my exchange surgery.
I will be getting my new boobs on August 30th. Woo hoo!

This is pretty fabulous news.
Here are some pics of my crazy boobs now. The whole process of boobs, cancerous boob, no boobs, small boobs to big boobs is truly amazing.

Since my mastectomy on January 3rd, I have been inflated 500 ccs on the left and 540 ccs on the right.
The expanders were put in wide because of my need for radiation through the middle of my chest.
I have not worn a bra since January 3rd. I can run with these bad boys and they don't move an inch.
I should run more. :)

The last picture shows a dot in the middle of my ribs. That's one of my radiation tattoos. I have (I think) four of them. They're permanent.

Joyce's back....

...isn't it lovely?
Thanks for the support all the way in Texas!

Get your wallet!

Again, my friends have proven how awesome they are.

It's Susan G. Komen Walk for a Cure time. My friends live all over the United States, so it's impossible for them all to walk with me. Instead, they spent countless hours putting together a fundraiser raffle for me, for the organization and for YOU.

For anyone who has been touched by cancer... or may some day be, we need this money more than you could ever imagine.

We need a cure. We need more birthdays. We need more time with our kids and grandkids.
We need money for research.

PLEASE consider donating. ANY amount is appreciated and ANY amount helps.

It's tax deductible and my friends have donated some fantastic raffle prizes. Have I mentioned how wicked talented and wonderful they are?

Here's the blog with more information on the prizes and how to donate.
Thank you for your consideration!

http://momsforacure.blogspot.com/


We would love if you would share this link with everyone. Post about it on your blog, share it with your facebook friends, tell your neighbors! :)

Another Day......Another Scan

Today, I received my first bone density scan.
It will check to see if I have osteoporosis or weak bones.

It was super easy. I didn't even have to hold my breath. :)

I read a study a few months back about Zometa being infused in patients with good results.


According to the article, researchers gave young women Zometa to "prevent complications and relapses" from breast cancer, and got "impressive" results, says Marilynn Marchione atUSA Today.

One factor, say researchers, may have something to do with how Zometa strengthens bones. This effectively makes it "tougher for cancer to spread there," says Marchione. It's also possible that Zometa might have "direct effects against circulating cancer cells or microscopic tumors," although more research is needed on that point.

 The part that peaked my attention was this:
The patients were found to have a 37 percent lower risk of death. That means that "4 to 5 more women out of every 100 were alive seven years later." SOUNDS GOOD TO ME!


I should have the results of the scan in about 3 days. At that point, I will start persuading Dr. Hartung about why I want to be on yet another drug.
The infusion is every 6 months for 3 years. 
I wish I could start it today.

Know Your WHOLE Body...not just your boobs.

I have had a few skin cancer scares in the past.
Last year, one of my skin biopsies came back as Basal Cell Carcinoma. It's a common skin cancer, but treatable if found early.

Since then, I have had a few other suspicious spots frozen off with liquid nitrogen. Here are pics of the two I had zapped today. This pic is after the nitrogen.

I seriously need to save up for Botox. This is ridiculous.

The process burns a little- and afterwards, a blister forms. I had one on my forehead and neck this time. I had been watching these for a while, but the color change was concerning to me. Dr. Pakzad thought that these spots were probably pre-cancerous and liquid nitrogen would be a good treatment.


I also had one spot on my arm that was flesh colored, but had recently become bumpy and scaly. Here's a pic. It was small in diameter, but the recent change in the color and texture of it made me nervous.
When in doubt, consult a specialist!

Dr. Pakzad felt that this one very well could be cancerous, so he did a biopsy. I should have results within 10 days. If it is cancer, I will go back to have the rest of it cut out and burned/frozen.

I will have another body check the end of May.

Disclaimer:
This post isn't to gross you out. It's just a little reminder to apply that sunscreen liberally and often.

Also, if you have any moles that you think have changed in color or shape, please see a dermatologist. Melanoma can be deadly.

Comparison Pics

I have hair now....lots of hair. It's thick and wacky and I love it. It's a far cry from my usual really blonde, really straight pre-cancer hair, but it's been so much fun.

 I have had one haircut and one color so far. I have another hair appointment next week to lighten it up a tad.

Here is a pic of Karsyn and I this week.

Here is a pic of me almost exactly four months ago.

I can't wait to see what I look like four months from now!

Metformin Trial

About 7 years ago, Eric and I sought help from a reproductive endocrinologist because we were having trouble conceiving. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.

Along with a whole gamut of drugs to help me ovulate, I was also given a drug called Metformin. Metformin is typically taken by diabetics, but was prescribed for me to reduce insulin levels and promote normal ovarian function.

It worked. I was on it for a few years but eventually went off it when we moved to Minnesota. I honestly have no idea why I went off it. It was probably because I wasn't in the market for more kids.

Fast forward to last week. I was googling more breast cancer trials. I am intrigued by new drugs that may be the answer to my prayers. I came across a Metformin trial that immediately peaked my interest.

I asked Dr. Hartung about it today and was told that I actually qualified for the trial. There's a HUGE study going on right now that approximately 3580 people will participate in. Half of the patients will receive Metformin, the other half will receive a placebo. The study should take about 3 years to fill enrollment and the results should be known in about 6 years. I did the paperwork and was signed up to begin next week.

I thought about it all the way home from Woodbury, when it suddenly occurred to me, why do I want to risk taking a placebo for 3-6 years when a drug that I KNOW my body tolerates and only costs pennies per day is available to me?

I immediately called my primary family doctor and told her about the study. I asked if I could go back on Metformin to treat my PCOS.

I'm excited to report that my prescription is at Target right now waiting for me to pick it up.
I will start taking the Met with my Tamoxifen tomorrow.

I will also be officially dropping out of the trial tomorrow. I can't take the chance that I would get a placebo.

I have a good feeling about this. :)

Just Another Bitch Slap From Reality

I went to my every three week Herceptin infusion today.
I was excited to see my doctor and nurse, who I haven't seen since late January.
I settled into my chair in the waiting room and waited for my name to be called.

While I waited, I noticed a man and woman in their 50's and a man in his 30's talking quietly. The woman was fighting back tears. The men were somber.
For some reason, I walked over to her, sat down and asked her if I could hug her.
She hugged me hard. I asked her if she had just been diagnosed. She sniffed as she said, "No, my daughter." and motioned down the hall.

I immediately started in with my success story, as I had so many times. "No worries! Breast cancer is highly treatable! I have no evidence of disease. It's not that bad...."
She started blankly at me and said, "She's 34. This is her second round."

Gulp.

I changed my speech to the "there are new advances every day!" line.
Our eyes locked and we both started bawling. I walked back to my seat feeling like I had been sucker punched. At that second, even I didn't believe the BS I was spewing.

A woman came to the front desk from the doctor's office hallway and started making her follow up appointments, as we all have to do.
I heard her schedule her PET scan and MRI.
She was calm. She was friendly to the receptionist.

I then watched as she walked over to the family I had just spoken to. Judging from that woman's demeanor, I would have had no idea that she was the one that had just been diagnosed for a second time in a few short years with breast cancer.

I couldn't help but stare as she walked arm and arm out of the oncology office with her family without saying a word. I also watched as all four of them embraced and collapsed the second they were safely out in the hallway.

Another sucker punch.
I had just witnessed my worst fear.
Why the hell hadn't I just minded my own business and let that lady weep in peace? Then, I would have had no idea about their story. I wouldn't have opened up my own raw wounds and emotions.

Just yesterday, I told Eric that I'm finally feeling like the old me.
Cancer thoughts weren't consuming me like they used to.

Now today, all I can think about is that poor girl. Her screening two months ago was clean. She was cancer-free. Now, her future is unknown and her prognosis is grim.
What a difference a day makes.

I'm sorry. What a buzz kill this post is.
It's reality... and sometimes, reality bites.

If anything, it's a good (much needed) reminder to not take a single day for granted.

My prayers and thoughts go out to that girl, whoever she is.

We have stripes!!

Project #1 complete!

In between a soccer game, birthday party, church and getting ready for our garage sale, Eric found time to paint the kids' bathroom.
I couldn't be happier with how it turned out.

I want the kids out of our bedroom/closet/bathroom, so this was a much needed first step.
Their bathroom has gone untouched since we moved here in 2010.
It was white, white, white and boring, boring, boring.

Eric is a very meticulous worker and quickly banned me from the bathroom. I delivered the paint and Eric spent the weekend measuring, taping and painting.

Karsyn, Chase and Houston's bathroom is small- but painting stripes took longer than any of us would have predicted.
I don't think I will be getting more stripes anytime soon.

Last night, Eric revealed the finished stripes and today, I found a shower curtain and accessories that I think add a little whimsy to the room.

We are all excited for the kids to actually start using their new (fun) space.

We are still waiting on a few accessories, but overall, it's mostly complete.
LOVE!

The kids and I spent the weekend trying to stay out of Dad's road.
Karsyn and Chase spent a ton of time in the sandbox and riding bike.

Houston worked on designing his first computer program by age 4. :)

Cooper just followed us around smiling all day.

I can't wait for project #2!

I have a love/hate relationship with Pinterest.

The more time I spend on Pinterest.com, the more inadequate I feel.

If you are a stranger to Pinterest.com, you are (kind of) missing out. Check it out and let me know if you need an invite to join.

The crafty, home improvement ideas are amazing. They're all things that I think I could do...but probably never will. Who has the time and energy?
It's so fun to look at other people's ideas, but a huge time sucker.

I DO get a ton of kids activities and art projects off there that I DO use.
I also made a pretty fabulous baked sweet and sour chicken dish that I got from Pinterest.

This weekend, Eric and I are going to work on some home improvement projects. I have convinced him that the last rooms in our house need to be painted. We honestly have no excuse, we've been here almost two years.

I'm also hoping to find some ideas for our Master bedroom. It's big and boring and empty. I wish I could afford an interior decorator. Jeff Lewis makes all the remodeling craziness look so easy.

In between Karsyn's soccer game, babysitter interviews, a birthday party and church, I'm hoping for at least one room to have stripes painted.
Yes, Pinterest makes me want to paint stripes EVERYWHERE!

Have a great weekend!

Hello, Old Friends!

Hello!

It's been a while. It seems that now that I'm not going from appointment to appointment, I have very little to write about.
I'm really enjoying my (boring) life! :)


Here are some updates:

My scabs from radiation are gone. My boobs are as smooth as rock hard baby butts.
I'm surprisingly sleeping okay with the expanders. Only 5.5 more months until these suckers come out.

I'm starting to like the way they look. Yes, they're too high, too hard and completely unnatural...but I have to admit that I really dig not wearing a bra. I have not worn a bra since December 2011. I feel so freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
I really think that once my implants are put in, I'm going to have some pretty rockin' tatas.

I have my next Herceptin infusion on April 16th. My list is getting pretty long with concerns I want to talk to Dr. Hartung about.
Now that I have no evidence of disease, (I'm still dancing with NED!) I'm pretty nervous I'm going to get cancer somewhere else.
It's a normal fear, I suppose.

I really want a hysterectomy. Previously, Dr. Hartung thought that the side effects would outweigh the benefits; but I want to revisit the conversation again.
I already have PCOS and have always had issues with cysts on my ovaries. I think they're little time bombs. I want all that junk out.

I also want to start taking Zometa. There are new studies out that shows it makes bones stronger so cancer would have a harder time metastisizing to my bones, if it were to come back. It will probably make me feel like crud, but it's worth talking about.

I am also at the point where I will begin taking Tamoxifen. It's a drug that I will take daily for five years. It has some side effects, but I guess I'll take being fat over dying of cancer.


I have NO signs of Lymphedema yet. My chances of getting it after chemo/lymph node removal/radiation was greater than 50%. It can still onset at any time, it just hasn't yet. I'm hopeful that's one effect of cancer that I will avoid.

My family is doing AWESOME. I couldn't ask for more.
Eric's parents came here for Easter and we had a great holiday.
We found a great new church (Eagle Brook) that even Eric's dad approved of! :)
I have already signed up for new member classes, small group and even baptism.
I feel like this is the missing piece to our puzzle- and we're excited to grow more with God.

Dunzo

I'm done with 33 radiation treatments and have a certificate to prove it!

No more early morning drives to downtown Minneapolis every day. No more radiation burns.
No more wearing mesh bras, half a tube of jelly and gauze pads daily.
It's so surreal.

I can wholeheartedly say, without a doubt, that I was VERY unprepared for what radiation would be like.
Most people have a tough time with chemo and breeze through radiation.
I was the exact opposite.
I tolerated chemo pretty well, but radiation was pretty tough.
Thankfully, it's done.

I will miss the quiet time in the car every morning. I have to admit that I really liked the 6.5 weeks of leaving the house as everyone was just waking up. I didn't have to get anyone dressed, fed or drive anyone to school during that entire period. I felt like a Dad. ;)
It was a great time to just think, pray, cry and sing....usually in that order.

I am done with everything at the Radiation Center. I don't even have to come back for a skin check. Here's the final damage. Not too shabby, I suppose.

I have an appointment with my plastic surgeon on Monday to get my other boob filled back up to what it was before.
After that, I just hang out for 6 months until I have my exchange surgery.

It's crazy to me that I will start having 1-2 appointments per month, instead of 1-2 per day.
I don't get "the look" as much anymore from people. My hair has filled in so much that I look more like a ginger q-tip than a cancer patient. I had forgotten how good it felt to go and not worry who was staring or whispering.

I knew when this started that people might bail. It's hard to see cancer. It's hard to be supportive continually. It's draining on everyone.
Nothing made me happier than to see my facebook page today.
All of the comments, "likes" and sharing of this blog was so humbling.
99.5% of the people I started with are still here. They are more supportive than when we started this journey. They have NEVER left my side. I will never be able to show you all how much I appreciate you. Just know, I love you to pieces.

Onto random thoughts, Eric took this pic of me tonight. I'm tired, pasty and makeup-less; but check out that mop! :) I can't believe I'm posting this. I'll take a better pic tomorrow.

Have I showed you MiCal yet? If not, I got the coolest gift basket from my great friends, Cal and Michelle. In the package, along with a ton of awesome stuff (i.e. booze), was this chia pet thing. I freaking love it. I named her MiCal, for obvious reasons. I have been watering her religiously. It's safe to say that I'm kicking her ass in the hair growing race.
How cute is she?!?

One more random thing. How long should helium balloons last?
My friend, Kyra, sent me these balloons with an Edible Arrangements fruit bouquet right after my surgery on January 5th.
They have rockstar fruit there and obviously, helium.
Today is March 30. The smiley balloon just finally drooped today. The other 2 are still floating away. Next week will be 3 friggen months that those balloons have been hanging on.
Should I be calling Guiness Records or NASA?

Take care, my friends!

March 29

I have one day of radiation left and I couldn't be happier.
My "class" of radiation friends are already gone. I was the only one who had to take a break in the middle of treatment.

Because of that, I was able to meet a new patient in the new group yesterday.
She was around 40 and looked scared as hell. She told me that she was having a spot in her shoulder/back radiated and that because of the range of the lasers, she was having a hard time swallowing.

I'm nosy and I asked more questions. She said that 5 weeks ago, she was diagnosed with a mass in her back. It turns out that she had undiagnosed breast cancer, for who knows how long, and it had metastisized to her bones.
The only thing I could say was, "..so you're stage 4 already."
She nodded and told me that this last month has been a whirlwind.

The statistics show that her chances of being alive 5 years from now are a little less than 20%.

I cannot even imagine. I tried to reassure her that the statistics don't matter as much as your attitude. I hope she fights.

I am so grateful, once again, that I found my lump. This woman could have been me.
I'm so sad that this is happening to her and so many others.
I hate cancer so fucking much.

This is one of those times where I wish women were proactively offered mammograms at an earlier age. If she would have found her breast cancer a few years ago, her prognosis would be better.


On to happier things....
I'm off to appreciate the sun with my littles!

Friendly Reminder

It's that time again....check your boobs! Seriously, you should do it.
Breast cancer comes in soooo many different forms and symptoms can come out of nowhere.
Know your bodies!


Please click this picture to make it bigger. It's a good reminder of what to look and feel for. I know I always learn better when food is involved.

Skin Check

I met with Dr. Sullivan today again. She is extremely happy with how well my skin is healing, as am I. I have only about 1-2 inches that is still an open wound.

Apparently, the doctors in the office have been discussing me at their weekly meeting. They think the reason that my skin broke down so fast is because I started radiation so soon after my surgery and my expanders had been filled so fast.

While my body was rapidly making cells for my new breast skin, the radiation was treating my new skin as dividing cancer cells and zapping it.

Both my body and the radiation were doing exactly what they should have been doing. Too bad it was such a grueling process.

I now have 7 sessions left. I'm so excited to be done!

Thank God for Unanswered Prayers

Too often, I start feeling sorry for myself and am quickly put in my place by God.

I was so bummed last week when the doctor put my treatment on hold. I was exhausted. I wasn't making it through the day without a nap and was still going to bed when it was barely dark each night. I was eating like crap. I had no energy.

I prayed and prayed that God would keep my skin in tact long enough to get through ten more treatments so I could just be done.
I prayed that He would give me the energy to get out of bed each day to get to radiation and to power through each afternoon so my kids could stay on their semi-normal schedules.

I'm not going to lie. Wednesday, I was pissed. I was sent home again from the hospital and told that my body needed the full seven days to heal. I was pissed at God for not listening. I was pissed at my body for failing me once again. I was in a tired, overly emotional state. It was ugly.

Fast forward four days and I feel fan-freaking-tastic. Seriously.
My "big giant boob" has healed so much in just a week. It's now at the gross peeling stage, but is bleeding much less. The break was EXACTLY what I needed. So, I'm going to finish rads a week later than previously planned....so what?

During my days off, my lovely husband let me sleep in every morning. That man's a gem. I made it through every day without a nap.
Together, we tackled a few projects this weekend and spent a lot of time together playing outside with the kids.

My dad unexpectedly came to visit on Saturday. He couldn't have come at a better time.
We love him so much and wish he would come see us more often. (hint, hint) :)

We even pulled out those dusty party pants and made it to TWO St. Patrick's Day parties. My poor liver.

I feel so much better and I'm actually excited to get back to radiation tomorrow to finish this out.

God proves time and time again that I need to get over myself and just be patient.
He is amazing and His timing is perfect!

Good News and Not So Great News

The CT scan results came back today and my shoulder is normal. Yay!
I was pretty nervous at possibly needing surgery on it, so this is great news.
Unfortunately, it still hurts like hell so I'm stuck again with no real immediate fix.
Dr. Kruse is still considering my issue to be Bursitis and is recommending physical therapy.

Because of my mastectomy and lymph node removal on that side, I have stopped using my left arm and hand as much. My range of motion is pretty poor. It's possible that I have a frozen shoulder, so hopefully, it will feel better once I work on getting my range back.

I went to radiation this morning at 7:30 am only to be sent back home. My skin looks terrible so I wasn't surprised.
I am on another break until Monday. At that point, she says I can go straight through until the end.
She also put me on an oral antibiotic so I can try to avoid an infection while my skin is open.

My skin looks so awful now that I won't even post a picture.
At first, my boob looked like it went to Hawaii without me. Now, it looks like it sat on a campfire. The part that isn't burnt to a crisp looks like it received road rash.

I asked if we could just up my pain meds and continue this week, but I was quickly shot down.
Dr. Sullivan said the issue right now is that I have literally no more skin to lose.
If the burn goes any deeper, I'm at risk for not having enough skin left to do my implants.

I can't think of anything worse than having my real boobs removed, having horrible expanders put in, having immense pain from radiation and then after all that, not being able to get decent replacement boobs.

Eric wants me to stop treatments. He hates this. He cringes when he looks at it. This is one of the few things about cancer that I can tell REALLY bothers him. I can't stop though. I have made it 2/3 of the way already. I just need to finish this out.

So....until further notice, I will be home gooping and wrapping my "big, giant boob," as Chase calls it.
Hopefully, this break will be just what my body needs to get me through until the end.

Well, that was embarrassing....

I went in today for a Joint Arthrogram and CT scan on my bum shoulder.
Unfortunately, the cortisone shot that I got two weeks ago has given me little relief.

I was injected in the shoulder with dye and then sent in for the scan to see if there are any tears.
As I walked in, I remember thinking, this machine looks a lot like my radiation machine.

I was making small talk with the techs and soon they both started yelling, "Woah, woah, woah!"
I sat up on the table and just looked at them like a deer in the headlights.

The first tech starts laughing and says, "We're just doing a shoulder exam. You can keep your clothes on!"

Apparently, I am so used to taking my shirt off for radiation every morning that I walked in, whipped off my shirt and positioned myself on the table.

The techs looked a little embarrassed as I proceeded to get dressed so they could do their job.
It makes me giggle just thinking about the looks on their faces. Good times.

I should have results on Wednesday afternoon.
I had the techs make me a CD of the scan so I can try to self diagnose myself before the follow up appointment.
Hopefully, it's nothing. If it's something, hopefully it's easily fixed.

Take care, my friends!

I like this.

I'm not surprised.

I was hoping to duck out after radiation today without running into Dr Sullivan. Unfortunately, (fortunately, maybe?) she called the techs and told them to call her when I was about done so she could come check my skin.

I'm officially taking a little break from treatment. She wanted me to take a break until next Thursday. I compromised by telling her I would see her Wednesday. She agreed.

Because of how broken down my skin is, we are going to do the remainder of my sessions without the bolus and hope that does the trick. The last week of radiation is called boost radiation and it targets the incision.
Because that's where my main issue is, she has no idea how this is going to work.
We'll watch it closely.

To say that I'm bummed is an understatement. Even though it's just a few days, it's still a delay.
There's a reason that radiation is scheduled 5x per week for 6.5 weeks. Obviously, that is what has proven most effective.
For once, I just wish something would go as expected. I know this is best for my body but I just wish that I could have made it through as planned. I'm disappointed.

I'm also a little nervous that my "final boob" is going to be a train wreck because radiation has been so hard on my skin. The plastic surgeon will only be able to do so much.

It itches, it burns, and now, it bleeds.

I have finished 23 of 33 treatments.
There's an end in sight, but a few hurdles along the way. A few prayers for healing would be appreciated!

Are these pictures grossing you out yet?

Ewww.

I had another skin check this morning. More of my skin along my incision is breaking down.
Dr. Sullivan told me that I have one more layer of skin to lose before I will be in intense pain. We can't let it get to that point.

She thinks that with daily wrapping, I might make it until Wednesday before needing the treatment break.
I'm going to think positively and hope my skin regenerates by then and the break is unnecessary.

I'm tired and soooo over this.

Update on Skin Changes

Here I am. I have 15 treatments left.
So far, it's just peely gross. It bleeds here and there but the pain isn't too bad.
I am using every cream, oil and lotion under the sun.
This is, unfortunately, what just happens sometimes.
The formed bolus that they use on me every time is what makes the treatment fry my skin so much. The purpose of the bolus is to keep the treatments closer to the surface of the skin.

It's becoming pretty hard to disguise the redness. It peeks out of almost all of my shirts. I also have stickers that I have to leave on throughout my whole treatment. The one here looks like a bullseye.
I wear this HOPE necklace, from Rustic Charm, to distract people from the sticker. :)

Here's a close up of the nastiness.

Here's my back. Part of it is exit burns, part of it is from actual radiation. They do one shot at my lymph nodes through my shoulder every day. My back is the scaliest of all. It is peeling and feels like I've been sunburned to a crisp. Now I can't sleep on my sides because of my expanders or my back because I'm fried. Good times, my friends. :)

All in all, this is a major pain in the ass....but it's not that bad.

Have a great weekend!

Prayer Warriors Needed

You have all done such an awesome job keeping me in your prayers. You are true prayer warriors and I know that you all, with God's help, can move mountains.

I have asked before, but I know you won't mind me asking again. Two families close to me are being touched deeply by cancer and they need our prayers desperately.

There are two sweet boys who need your prayers more than anything. Their little bodies are weak and they and their families are exhausted.

God has placed them so heavily on my heart that I can't seem to do much but think of them lately.
They are both fighting rare and very aggressive cancers.

Wesson is six months old and has Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. Zade is almost seven months old and has infantile sarcoma. They were both diagnosed with cancer at around three months old, when their lives had barely begun.

Wesson was transferred from South Dakota to St. Judes in Memphis, TN recently. He is currently undergoing a research protocol in order to get him well enough for a much needed bone marrow transplant.

Zade is currently being treated in Sioux Falls, SD. He had a clear CT scan this week (YAY!) but has been experiencing dipping oxygen levels for reasons that are currently unknown.

They have both undergone the hell of chemotherapy.

They need answers and they need miracles.

Please pray for the continued strength for these amazing little boys and for their families, who are fighting this battle right along with them.

Wesson

Zade

While I was writing this post, I received word from a good friend that her father had passed away this afternoon due to a heart attack. I'm sure Sharon could use some extra prayers right now also.


Thanks for your time and love.